Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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