what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
