Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
