By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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