I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
