yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
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