one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
