Can Purell be used as lube?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
