i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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