well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
whose parrot is this?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
