If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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