saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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