By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Someone shattered a urinal.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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