So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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