No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
