me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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