Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
