i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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