Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
