It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
