im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
