Define "chronic" masturbator.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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