rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
