I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
we're making bets on your personal life
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
