i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
