so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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