Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
