Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
