if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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