getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
