and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Who died my cat blue again?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
