I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
