I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
