Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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