I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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