every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
