He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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