Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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