I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
