and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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