i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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