there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
