woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
