Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
