Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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