I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
So much Jack, so little girl.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Randomize
