At least make sure they are 18
Why
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
