The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize