I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
