Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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