They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
