Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
FUCK WHALES
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
