if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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