Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Im part way to drunk.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
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