Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
