there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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