I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
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