Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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