hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
The best revenge is premature balding
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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