Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
